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:: "fuzzy romance and brutal terror" : apparently, I can get behind that ::
Fic (of sorts): Things To Do In Minneapolis When You're Bored With "Heroes" 
25th-Oct-2007 12:59 am
Detail of 'Yuuwaku' by Audrey Kawasaki
You know, I had been enjoying this season of Heroes until this week's episode, which...actually, I didn't even hate it, because that would imply it had aroused some sort of emotion in me.  So I thought, well, if you didn't like anything about it, what would you have done differently?  But for the most part, my brain cared so little that I couldn't come up with anything.  So then I thought, well, if you could have rewritten any scenes from this season, what would they be?  And thus, this piece of crack was born...

Lecture Hall, Cairo

Mohinder: I urge each and every one of you to take up this cause, spread the word, and fight those who would keep the world from the truth. Thank you all for coming.
Audience member: (in loud whisper) Yeah, I saw him in Vienna, too.  He was a lot cuter and more interesting before he cut off all his hair.

Dinner at the HRG residence

Claire: Oh, come on.  We’re the BUTLERS?  A fake last name that starts with the same letter as Bennet?  How easy is that for the Company  to figure out? And we’re not even attempting to change our first names?
HRG: (gesturing towards the chair opposite Claire) Look, honey, your mother and I had a hard enough time remembering Leon’s name as it is…
Lyle: (over by sink) It’s LYLE, Dad.
HRG: (looks around) What was that?
Claire: And you’re still calling Mr. Muggles by his real name!
Mr. Muggles: That’s because I am MR. MUGGLES, and all bow before me.  Go get me a steak, bitch.

A restaurant in Cairo

Bob: If I'm not mistaken, you yourself tried to put a bullet in the brain of a man named Sylar.
Mohinder: Yes!  I tried to put a bullet in his brain!  Right between his eyes!  His huge, brown, deep-set, long-lashed, heavy-browed eyes...
Bob: Um...Dr. Suresh? Hello?

Dinner at the Suresh residence

Molly: When is Mohinder coming back?  He’s got actual talents, like cooking, that he uses to enrich our lives, instead of just reading people’s thoughts as a cheat because he can’t learn actual basic on-the-job skills.
Matt: Uh…what?
Molly: Oh, well, it doesn’t really matter.  Once Sylar comes back, your ass is dead and gone; I just have to make sure I’m out when it happens, so I don’t end up as collateral damage.
Matt: What? Molly, are you telling me that Sylar is—
Molly: Matt!!! I thought you promised not to read my mind!
Matt: (confused) But you…I mean…you…uh…I’m sorry.
Molly: (thinks) What an idiot.

Nighttime, Benutler residence

Claire: (takes scissors and cuts little toe off)
Mr. Muggles:  Oh yes!  Sweet, sweet human flesh!  And it’s all MINE! (jumps down, grabs toe, runs off)
Claire: Oh no.  Come on…grow back…grow back…grow back…SHIT!  (hobbles after Mr. Muggles)

The Jungle Shack of Crazy

Candice: …or something a little more familiar, if that’s what you’re into.
Sylar: What the fuck? Did the Make-A-Wish Foundation contact Tim Kring about fulfilling some 16-year-old virgin’s dream with this episode, or something?

A Mexican jail

Derek: Wait!  Take me with you!
Alejandro: Shouldn’t he be wearing a redshirt?

Atop the Hollywood Sign

West: You wanna play the trust game with me?
Claire: Not really.
West: Well…do you wanna make out?
Claire: Uh…that’s okay.
West: Yeah, I didn’t really want to either. How about if I call you a cab?

St. Patrick’s Lucky Shamrock Pub

Peter: I probably should open the box.  After all, there could be people who miss me horribly…family members falling to pieces because they think I’m lost forever.
Caitlin: Faith and begorrah!
Peter: But screw them…I’d prefer to be stick my head in the sand and sit around this bar with you.
Caitlin: My Irish eyes are smiling.
Peter: Say, do you wanna make out?
Caitlin: Och, that’s all right, me little leprechaun.
Peter: Yeah, I didn’t really want to either.

A dusty road in Mexico

Derek: He looks almost dead.
Maya: We have to take him with us!
Sylar: (coughing) Frankly…I sense that a lot of the audience members….would prefer it…if I just crawled off to the side…and didn’t get in the Nissan Rogue with you three losers.
Audience members: No, the audience members would prefer it if you figured out how to get your powers back, relieved us of the annoying presence of the twins and their redshirt, and then skullcapped the advertising executives at Nissan USA.
Sylar: (weakly) Fair enough.
Derek: Dudes, what’s with this ‘redshirt’ business you keep mentioning?

Another dusty road in Mexico

Sylar: (turns over book) Dr. Suresh!
Maya: You know Dr. Suresh?
Sylar: What do you mean, do I know Dr. Suresh?!? Huh?!?
Maya: I…just ask…if you have his…friendship?
Sylar: Oh.  Well, yes, I do know Dr. Suresh.  And his tall, handsome, raven-haired son.  But I don’t know Dr. Suresh.  Or his tall, handsome, raven-haired son.  But I’d be very happy to take you to the Suresh apartment.  Which only has one bedroom, by the way, so you guys will have to sleep out on the couch. 
Maya: I am so…confuse…right now.
Derek: Heh.  Heh.  I’m not.
Sylar: (instinctively makes Force-choke move towards Derek before remembering nothing will happen) SHIT!

Present-Day Japan

Ando: What do you mean, you can’t read the rest of the scroll?!?  How does it end?  Does Hiro survive?…

Feudal Japan

Hiro: Before we attack, perhaps you should take this last chance to show your love by making out.
Kensei: Oh, all right, you silly little carp! (grabs Hiro and starts snogging him)
Hiro: No…I meant…Yaeko!…Ando-kun will not be happy about this!

Okay...so it's only mild Hoyay...but at least there's Mr. Muggles!

25th-Oct-2007 08:26 am (UTC)
This made me laugh more times that this week's episode. I am sure this is due to some combination of the facts that this was hilarious and the episode was lame. But I cannot quite figure out which one plays a larger part. I also cannot decide which one I like more, Dinner at the Suresh residence or Another dusty road in Mexico. And then there are the lecture hall and restaurant scenes. Perhaps the real answer to all of our problems is a retooling of Heroes as a comedy? Hmmm...
25th-Oct-2007 04:05 pm (UTC)
I also cannot decide which one I like more, Dinner at the Suresh residence or Another dusty road in Mexico.

Ah...the Parkmanhate is strong in this one. Actually, that one might be my favorite one, because I really started liking Molly as I wrote it. In fact, I think Imaginary!Molly is probably almost as cool as Monica in my reckoning, and after Mohinder is done in New Orleans, the four of us may be setting up our own little House of M (and F), preferably somewhere in the mountains, with a nice patio to sit out on in the evening and watch the wildlife, and a secret underground lab for Mohinder to work in. Excuse me, I've got to go get the spare bedroom ready for Sylar's visit. Also, the guards have orders to shoot anyone who might be Parkman on sight, so make sure to wear an orange hunting vest if you stop by.
25th-Oct-2007 08:59 am (UTC)


This was HILARIOUS!! "Go get me a steak, bitch" is too perfect for words. And the whole "raven-haired son" quote, two "I didn't want to either"'s in a ROW, and and and.... BWAH! I can't stop laughing.

Crack really IS the best medicine for an angry fangirl like me :D I am now going to pretend that all of this happened because it is all ten times better than the actual scenes.

*Adds to memories, then dies laughing*
25th-Oct-2007 04:38 pm (UTC)
Aw...you memmed it! :0) It does take care of most of the annoying plotlines this season, doesn't it? I had some other things happen today that made me go GRRRR besides the show, and I felt so much better after working out some of my aggression here.

Actually, there was another bit I cut out because I decided it was overkill, but I'll put it here for you:

Matt: I'm just very concerned about Molly's nightmares.
Mohinder: It’s not an easy time for any of us, Matt. I keep having nightmares of my own about...the past.
Matt: (scowls) Yeah. I know. And they’re not exactly "nightmares".
Mohinder: Look, there's no way I'm going to get to sleep any time soon. You can have the couch tonight, if you'd like.
Matt: Uh, a lot of your "nightmares" take place on that couch, so I think I'll just stick with the chair next to Molly's bed.
25th-Oct-2007 11:00 pm (UTC)
Oh, hope those "other things" weren't too stressful *hugs* But glad that you turned lemons into.... crack lol.

YAY an extra scene! LMAO at the reason why Matt never sleeps on the couch. And he would peek into Mohinder's Sylar-centric fantasies "nightmares". Hee-larious.
25th-Oct-2007 09:11 am (UTC)
This was awesome, particularly the Mylar references. Heh, the redshirt business was amusing, too :D
25th-Oct-2007 04:40 pm (UTC)
I couldn't NOT do Mylar references. I mean...you're misconstruing it! (I wanted to work in an "Italian" reference, but the Pasbeard scared me so badly that I didn't want to think about its scenes for fear that it would see me and imprison me in a nightmare world.)
25th-Oct-2007 09:31 am (UTC)
Hee! I wanna quit my job and go around following Dr. Suresh on his lecture tour.
25th-Oct-2007 04:41 pm (UTC)
I heard the Chicago show was best...he had the top 3 buttons on his shirt undone.
25th-Oct-2007 11:29 pm (UTC) - from f-list
Yay, something about Heroes that makes me happy. Oh, if only show went like this. Do you think Kring reads messageboards because a lot of people want the Wonder Twins to die.
26th-Oct-2007 04:59 am (UTC) - Re: from f-list
I would hate for the writers to ONLY pay attention to what the fans say. But yes, I hope they are thinking about what people say online. I actually liked Maya and Alejandro in the first episode. But the same thing happens with them every week, and I'm bored. I'm starting to feel like they aren't really characters, they're just a plot device to get Sylar where he needs to be. I just do not care about them!
26th-Oct-2007 07:13 am (UTC)
You amaze me. I'm going to find a way to work "Go get me a steak, bitch" into my regular vocabulary.
26th-Oct-2007 03:38 pm (UTC)
You just know that's what Mr. Muggles' internal dialogue is like. He is consistently one of my favorite characters--you did notice that although he liked Sylar last year, he immediately hated on West? Smart dog. I just hope they don't ruin him for us by making him go OOC...
26th-Oct-2007 04:25 pm (UTC)
Very smart dog. I loved the scene where he and Claire were watching the tapes of old competitions. I especially love that Claire put that tape on. Did she do it specifically for Mr. Muggles?

And yeah, that icon (and the video it's from) is amazing. He's such a cutie.
26th-Oct-2007 03:38 pm (UTC)
Oh wow. I just now noticed your icon. I'm a little...distracted...now.
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