You know, I had been enjoying this season of Heroes until this week's episode, which...actually, I didn't even hate it, because that would imply it had aroused some sort of emotion in me. So I thought, well, if you didn't like anything about it, what would you have done differently? But for the most part, my brain cared so little that I couldn't come up with anything. So then I thought, well, if you could have rewritten any
scenes from this season, what would they be? And thus, this piece of crack was born...
Lecture Hall, Cairo
Mohinder: I urge each and every one of you to take up this cause, spread the word, and fight those who would keep the world from the truth. Thank you all for coming.
Audience member: (in loud whisper) Yeah, I saw him in Vienna, too. He was a lot cuter and more interesting before he cut off all his hair.
Dinner at the HRG residence
Claire: Oh, come on. We’re the BUTLERS? A fake last name that starts with the same letter as Bennet? How easy is that for the Company to figure out? And we’re not even attempting to change our first names?
HRG: (gesturing towards the chair opposite Claire) Look, honey, your mother and I had a hard enough time remembering Leon’s name as it is…
Lyle: (over by sink) It’s LYLE, Dad.
HRG: (looks around) What was that?
Claire: And you’re still calling Mr. Muggles by his real name!
Mr. Muggles: That’s because I am MR. MUGGLES, and all bow before me. Go get me a steak, bitch.
A restaurant in Cairo
Bob: If I'm not mistaken, you yourself tried to put a bullet in the brain of a man named Sylar.
Mohinder: Yes! I tried to put a bullet in his brain! Right between his eyes! His huge, brown, deep-set, long-lashed, heavy-browed eyes...
Bob: Um...Dr. Suresh? Hello?
Dinner at the Suresh residence
Molly: When is Mohinder coming back? He’s got actual talents, like cooking, that he uses to enrich our lives, instead of just reading people’s thoughts as a cheat because he can’t learn actual basic on-the-job skills.
Molly: Oh, well, it doesn’t really matter. Once Sylar comes back, your ass is dead and gone; I just have to make sure I’m out when it happens, so I don’t end up as collateral damage.
Matt: What? Molly, are you telling me that Sylar is—
Molly: Matt!!! I thought you promised not to read my mind!
Matt: (confused) But you…I mean…you…uh…I’m sorry.
Molly: (thinks) What an idiot.
Nighttime, Benutler residence
Claire: (takes scissors and cuts little toe off)
Mr. Muggles: Oh yes! Sweet, sweet human flesh! And it’s all MINE! (jumps down, grabs toe, runs off)
Claire: Oh no. Come on…grow back…grow back…grow back…SHIT! (hobbles after Mr. Muggles)
The Jungle Shack of Crazy
Candice: …or something a little more familiar, if that’s what you’re into.
Sylar: What the fuck? Did the Make-A-Wish Foundation contact Tim Kring about fulfilling some 16-year-old virgin’s dream with this episode, or something?
A Mexican jail
Derek: Wait! Take me with you!
Alejandro: Shouldn’t he be wearing a redshirt?
Atop the Hollywood Sign
West: You wanna play the trust game with me?
Claire: Not really.
West: Well…do you wanna make out?
Claire: Uh…that’s okay.
West: Yeah, I didn’t really want to either. How about if I call you a cab?
St. Patrick’s Lucky Shamrock Pub
Peter: I probably should open the box. After all, there could be people who miss me horribly…family members falling to pieces because they think I’m lost forever.
Caitlin: Faith and begorrah!
Peter: But screw them…I’d prefer to be stick my head in the sand and sit around this bar with you.
Caitlin: My Irish eyes are smiling.
Peter: Say, do you wanna make out?
Caitlin: Och, that’s all right, me little leprechaun.
Peter: Yeah, I didn’t really want to either.
A dusty road in Mexico
Derek: He looks almost dead.
Maya: We have to take him with us!
Sylar: (coughing) Frankly…I sense that a lot of the audience members….would prefer it…if I just crawled off to the side…and didn’t get in the Nissan Rogue with you three losers.
Audience members: No, the audience members would prefer it if you figured out how to get your powers back, relieved us of the annoying presence of the twins and their redshirt, and then skullcapped the advertising executives at Nissan USA.
Sylar: (weakly) Fair enough.
Derek: Dudes, what’s with this ‘redshirt’ business you keep mentioning?
Another dusty road in Mexico
Sylar: (turns over book) Dr. Suresh!
Maya: You know Dr. Suresh?
Sylar: What do you mean, do I know Dr. Suresh?!? Huh?!?
Maya: I…just ask…if you have his…friendship?
Sylar: Oh. Well, yes, I do know Dr. Suresh. And his tall, handsome, raven-haired son. But I don’t know Dr. Suresh. Or his tall, handsome, raven-haired son. But I’d be very happy to take you to the Suresh apartment. Which only has one bedroom, by the way, so you guys will have to sleep out on the couch.
Maya: I am so…confuse…right now.
Derek: Heh. Heh. I’m not.
Sylar: (instinctively makes Force-choke move towards Derek before remembering nothing will happen) SHIT!
Ando: What do you mean, you can’t read the rest of the scroll?!? How does it end? Does Hiro survive?…
Hiro: Before we attack, perhaps you should take this last chance to show your love by making out.
Kensei: Oh, all right, you silly little carp! (grabs Hiro and starts snogging him)
Hiro: No…I meant…Yaeko!…Ando-kun will not be happy about this!
Okay...so it's only mild Hoyay...but at least there's Mr. Muggles!