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:: "fuzzy romance and brutal terror" : apparently, I can get behind that ::
I'm back, however briefly. 
2nd-Jun-2008 10:53 am
Misc - winter tree
Hi, everyone. I just wanted to thank everyone who left messages of condolence about my grandfather. I may not answer them personally because I'm really busy both at home and at work after being gone so long, and a disturbing number of emails piled up while I was gone. So I'm kind of only replying emails that absolutely MUST be answered. But I really appreciate it, and it made me feel better to log in and read them.

Grandpa passed away Tuesday and everyone's doing as well as can be expected. But he had a long life, was able to live on his own until just a couple of weeks before his death, and he passed peacefully and quietly with his family around him, and there are a lot of human beings who aren't granted all of that. He wanted to be cremated, and Grandma got sick the night before he died and had to be hospitalized for a few days (the doctors think it was just stress and she's home now), so the memorial service was postponed a bit. So I came home for a few days and will fly back this weekend for a few more days.

The family has pretty much reached the point of insanity.  While writing the obituary, one of my aunts asked quite seriously if they should include THE DOGS in it.  When another aunt pointed out that, you know, THEY'RE DOGS, she said (again, quite seriously), "Yes, but he LOVED those dogs."

I'm kind of at a schizophrenic place right now as my personal life was/is quite happy and positive, but the family life is obviously the opposite.  I feel kind of guilty for daring to be happy. And I have a similar split about the Internet: there are things I need to do online, but I just don't want to get online.  I think the reason is that I know there's going to be a ton of things piled up to read through and/or respond to, and I just don't want to face it.  It's not that they're all bad: it's the sheer volume of things, combined with the volume of real life stuff that's piled up as well.  I managed to get my inbox down to 55 unread emails, and...I have to take a break till evening.  Hopefully I can read through my flist tomorrow.

ETA: I just read this and realized how repetitive it was.  Oy.  That's the level of my thought processes right now.  To distract myself at one point, I had started writing a funny post about Mohinder, and I was going to finish it tonight, but perhaps I should just put the computer down and go nowhere near anything involving writing until after I've had a few more 10-hour sleeps.
2nd-Jun-2008 05:57 pm (UTC)
Totally understandable that dealing with fandom right now on top of everything would be overwhelming right now. Take care and get some rest::hugs::
2nd-Jun-2008 10:23 pm (UTC)
Thanks you! :0) I'd actually like to get back into fandom - at least, the fluffy fun part of it - because it would distract me from real life. But part of the problem with RL right now is that I'm overwhelmed by the huge amount of tasks I need to do, and spending time fooling around in fandom would mean that when I got done, I'd feel even more overwhelmed because I'd still have all these chores to do... It'll all straighten out eventually, though, I know.
2nd-Jun-2008 06:01 pm (UTC)
Aw, sweetheart, I'm so sorry. Please be sure to take care of yourself.

I know how overwhelming it can be to return to life and find everything piled up and feel like you'll never get through it. (I swear just coming back to work on a Monday morning I feel that way.) But you will get through everything.

2nd-Jun-2008 10:25 pm (UTC)
I keep telling myself that. I can't decide whether tonight I should leave the computer turned off and work my ass off to get chores done, or open a bottle of wine and do absolutely nothing. Sometimes when you try to relax, it doesn't really help because you wind up thinking about all the things you "should" have done instead of relaxing, rather than re-charging you so that you can get more done in the coming days.
2nd-Jun-2008 10:49 pm (UTC)
Ah... the dreaded "should". That comes up in therapy all the time with me! :) You SHOULD do whatever you want because it's what you need!!!!

2nd-Jun-2008 11:05 pm (UTC)
I think what I'm going to do is force myself to do a solid hour of housework. Then I can sit down and relax. Often once I do that, I get on a roll and I decide to keep working because I'm actually accomplishing things, and it doesn't feel onerous or overwhelming or like an awful chore any more. You know, kind of like Tom Sawyer tricking people into whitewashing the fence for him, only I'm doing it to myself? (I'm not crazy, I swear.) And if I grit my teeth the whole time and stop after an hour, at least once I sit down, I'll have gotten SOMETHING done this evening.

The main thing is that I would like to have the new maybe-possibly-boyfriend over for the first time. His place is a typical bachelor place and he most likely wouldn't even blink as long as the cat fur was all swept up and there weren't any stains on the toilet seat. But I would be bugged if I didn't have it cleaned up nicely. However, that means I've only got 2 or 3 evenings to clean it, if I'm going to have him over before I head out of town for the weekend.

You know what my best option would probably be? Shutting the hell up and going home to do the work, instead of just sitting around talking about it. *shakes head at self*
2nd-Jun-2008 11:08 pm (UTC)
The main thing is that I would like to have the new maybe-possibly-boyfriend over for the first time. Now that is good news!!

Yes, yes, go home now. Have a great night!
2nd-Jun-2008 10:26 pm (UTC)
Dang LJ and Internet Explorer. I am not sure what keys I hit accidentally, but my comment posted itself before I could give you a hug for the love.

(Deleted comment)
2nd-Jun-2008 10:28 pm (UTC)
Thank you. I'm trying to. I slept 10 hours last night, and I'm trying to decide what will help my "mental state of mind" most: shutting the computer off tonight and working my ass off to get chores finished, or sitting down with a bottle of wine and not thinking about ANYTHING. Probably the working-my-ass-off is the best option...but I really want to sit down with the wine.

*hugs back*
2nd-Jun-2008 09:15 pm (UTC)
This sounds terribly hectic! I'm so sorry about your grandfather, but it's wonderful to hear that it was peaceful. It sounds like you're holding down the fort, as far as family stuff goes.

Don't feel guilty about feeling happy regarding your own life! That isn't fair to yourself. I hope you catch up with stuff soon and feel better. :)
2nd-Jun-2008 10:37 pm (UTC)
Thank you!

My main problem when things pile up on me is that no matter what I choose to work on, I wind up feeling like I should have chosen something else, like another task or obligation is suddenly more important. And then I'm inefficient because I keep switching between tasks. And then I start to feel overwhelmed and want to just hide in a corner with my head under a pillow because I'm never going to be able to get it all done.

Hopefully I can manage to get things in order soon. Though I seem to be saying that a lot this year... :0(
3rd-Jun-2008 01:03 pm (UTC)
Glad you're back for now, and that things went about as well as they could. I hope your grandmother is doing okay, too.

Don't worry too much about online stuff. Or cleaning. I'm sure potential!boyfriend will be forgiving. ;) Hey, it could be worse. I had a few people over last month without any notice, and that was before I was able to take care of my kitchen's ant problem. So I was all "Okay, this is my place! Come in, ignore the mess, move those books out of the way, get comfortable, and PLEASE IGNORE THE LINE OF ANTS STREAMING OUT OF THE KITCHEN WALL." *facepalm*
3rd-Jun-2008 06:58 pm (UTC)
The family's doing as well as can be expected, I think. I kind of took reality off the hook and immersed myself in crack last night, and that made me feel a little better.

I just like to have the house relatively cleaned up before I have people over. That's why unannounced company drives me NUTS. He probably wouldn't really notice, but I would. I'm going over to his place to eat and watch a movie tonight, so I've got a bit of breathing room now... :0)
4th-Jun-2008 01:07 am (UTC)
It's good to have you back, even though you'll be leaving again soon! Although, I can understand your wanting to put fandom on the backburner in favor of other things that you need/want to do.

This might not be the appropriate time to say this, but I caught something in the other comments about a potential boyfriend, which I think is great! I wish you all the best with that, and with your trip. I'm glad to hear that your grandfather passed away peacefully, and I hope that your grandmother gets well soon, or that she already has.

4th-Jun-2008 03:50 pm (UTC)
Thanks, sweetie! *hugs back*

It's just a weird time for me. I miss Grandpa, but he's also not suffering any more (the emphysema had gotten to the point of being like a constant asthma attack, where he sucked in the air but his lungs functioned so poorly that he felt like he was suffocating). But then on the other hand, I have happy things going on in my personal life, and I feel kind of guilty for feeling happy. But then when I was at the hospital with Grandma, it was only 4 or 5 hours since Grandpa died, but she tells me to come sit next to her bed and the first thing out of her mouth is, "Tell me all about your new boyfriend!"
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